So a redhead walks into a doctor's office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.

She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken.

the blonde handi-chick

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've heard for years."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Irish Bar Toast

April 29, 2009 8

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Did the burgler never turn around?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home the old woman yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's."

Next time you can't get a refund at a store, try this

A middle aged woman at a Wal-Mart service counter tells the clerk she wants a refund for a toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her he can't give her a refund because she bought it on "special."

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"

The befuddled clerk gets the store manager and brings him to the woman and a growing crowd of customers.

The manager asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" The woman explains the problem with the toaster and the manager tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on "special."

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" drawing an even bigger crowd.

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff the woman says loudly, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd brakes into applause and her money is quickly refunded.

Bitter Enemies can even come together over a good knock knock joke

External: April Fools Roundup

If you want to see a huge roundup of all the jokes running rampant on the internet today then this is the place to go.

The Perfect Husband

March 10, 2009 1

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in he room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes"

Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$60,000"

Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

Man: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Degrees of Blondeness

March 7, 2009 7

First Degree A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

Second Degree Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar". The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Third Degree A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, DON'T DO IT!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

Fourth Degree A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals... She proudly says, "Go ahead and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

Fifth Degree What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

Sixth Degree Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

Seventh Degree Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Workplace Sensitivity

March 4, 2009 10

Dear Employees,

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Because of complaints received from some employees who are more easily offended, this type language will no longer be tolerated within the System.

We do, however, recognize how important it is to be able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, we have come up with a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING..." phrases. These are provided so that the free exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. Try saying: I think you could use more training. Instead of: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2. Try saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead of: She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3. Try saying: Perhaps I can work late. Instead of: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4. Try saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible. Instead of: No f___ing way.

5. Try saying: Really? Instead of: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6. Try saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead of: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7. Try saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead of: It's not my f___ problem.

8. Try saying: That's interesting. Instead of: What the f___?

9. Try saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented. Instead of: This sh__ won't work.

10. Try saying: I'll try to schedule that. Instead of: Why the f____ didn't you tell me sooner?

11. Try saying: He's not familiar with the issues. Instead of: He's got his head up his a__.

12. Try saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead of: Eat sh__ and die.

13. Try saying: So you weren't happy with it? Instead of: Kiss my a__.

14. Try saying: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. Instead of: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15. Try saying: I don't think you understand. Instead of: Shove it up your a__.

16. Try saying: I love a challenge. Instead of: This job sucks.

17. Try saying: You want me to take care of that? Instead of: Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18. Try saying: He's somewhat insensitive. Instead of: He's a pr_ck.